Friday, January 13, 2023
I don't know how many widows comment on their late husband's page, but i feel compelled to. In the last weeks i have not had time to properly grief. I have had to schedule time to properly cry and reconcile the lose ends he left behind in my heart, so i may let love lead the way. I have had to put my kids first during this time. I need them to be ROCKS for when this reality truly hits me, or has it already? Grief doesn't provide a road map. In some ways, i feel like i said good-bye years ago. We were so consumed with farming and all the responsibilities of life and family, that we didn't make much time for ourselves as a couple. For that, i have had to let go of regret. Here i am finding out all these wonderful stories that i never knew, because Martin didn't think to give me a play by play of conversations he had, and he had so many. I am proud of my man and he was mine, via the heart strings that we were connected, from the very moment we met. We were soul mates. I know this, because he gave butterflies of the heart with each kiss. I was a very lucky woman to love this man and be loved by him. And what we did together was always better than by ourselves. We were bound by love and commitment to our hearts.
Martin taught me so much and i am thankful for every moment i shared with this man. I know he is up in heaven with his dad who passed the December prior. I am sure glad he did now. I have this beautiful story to share with Angus and it eases the hurt.
Well, watching the video was so healing. I got to watch it with Angus and the music was perfect and all the pictures of me with him and our family.
We didn't get a lot of alone time to be together in the last years, but he did spend more time with the kids, and now, i am so grateful for that.
Because of Martin and his generous heart, and he knew it would serve me more than it would him, and he stayed home with Angus for a few years while i spent time with the other kids to study jiu jitsu. I used to feel guilty that he was at home still with Angus with no break, as he was the primary care giver in our home. We needed a parent at home and he volunteered immediately to stay home, raise the kids and build our home and farm. He was a man with lofty dreams, who couldn't seem to put his dreams on paper or share them with me. I think he didn't want to hear no and maybe he was surprising me. I don't know, and I know i will find out, because the stories he has left behind are still presenting to me.
Any way, he stayed home and i got my brown belt and share that with three of my kids. I now feel like we are getting our black belts of life during this time and the grading of life isn't easy or for the faint of heart. I know we will find our way through the new and learn to live without this man's physical presence, and he will always be part of us and in our hearts forever. He was a keeper. I just wish i could have kept him closer a little longer. Thank you to everyone who has opened their hearts and made this a little easier than i ever thought it would be. He is truly missed and loved. Peace, love and hugs to whoever reads this.
